The Five Love Languages

What are the 5 Love Languages?

The idea of the Five love languages came from a book by Gary Chapman, with the same title.

The clever idea was that each of us are drawn to a particular one or two ways of receiving love. This usually means that we give love in the same language.

He suggests that we should identify our own love language/s, so that we can help our partner to show us love in this language. We can also give love in a more targeted way to our partner, if we have a better idea how they like to receive love.

He believes that relationship conflicts often happen because partners speak different "languages".

The Five Love Languages:

·       Words of Affirmation: Verbal compliments, appreciation, and words of encouragement.

·       Quality Time: Giving attention, deep conversations, and shared experiences without distractions.

·       Giving/ Receiving Gifts: Visual symbols of love and effort that show thoughtfulness, regardless of cost.

·       Acts of Service: Actions that ease your partner's burden, like cooking, cleaning, or running errands.

·       Physical Touch: Non-verbal connections like holding hands, kissing, hugging, and physical intimacy.

Chapman says that we usually have a ‘primary language’:

Everyone has one dominant language that makes them feel most loved. You can learn to speak your partner's language, even if it does not come naturally to you.

It’s a bit like learning to speak another language- it doesn’t come as naturally as our native language, but it gets easier with practice.

Example 1: Julia’s love languages are words of affirmation and physical touch.

She loves being given compliments by her partner, and when he shows affection to her, especially in public.

Her partner, Imran’s love languages are acts of service and giving/ receiving gifts. He shows love by looking after her in practical ways, such as de- icing the windscreen on her car before she goes to work, or putting the bins out. Also, making a fuss on her birthday.

Can you see how, when she wants to hear loving words, or to receive affection, and he puts the bins out, she might not see how he is showing her love in his own language?

Equally, when she’s holding his hand and telling him how handsome he is, he’s getting irritated, because she doesn’t offer him practical support.

By understanding each other’s love language, they can start to speak their ‘second’ language- helping their partner to feel more loved.